i have no idea where this dream came from, but i only had it during the one and a half hour period in which i went back to sleep (after being woken up by mike and his sister talking). here goes:

hanging out with lily chow. there was an event invite i got, and so i invited her and we went. then it turns out that there's practically no one there, so we sit down and do our homework (lol).. she's stressed and snaps at me when i suggest for us to do something. i say something about how she could have phrased it nicely even if she was annoyed at me, and she apologizes and resumes doing whatever she was doing.

then we're like, oh, we're at oak tower (next to jqs). if it's a "party" for old people, no wonder it's so dead. so she keeps doing her work indifferently, and i go into the next room and see my grandmother. she doesn't move or acknowledge i'm there, just stares into space. i say hi to her, and she doesn't move or react. i try to hold her hand at one point, i think, with no reaction, again. so i move into the next room.

there's a blonde guy sleeping there, and he's shirtless and kind of cute. i try to leave the room without bothering him and somehow wakes him up by accident. he follows me back into the main room where lily chow is sitting, and flirts a bit, and me and lily exchange knowing glances. she checks out his butt.

he sees my grandmother, and then he tells me to call 911. says something about his cat needing emergency help, and he lifts a bird cage with a cat in it. i say something like, shouldn't i be calling the vet instead? and he smiles and says that his cat's a person too. so i dial 911, and he goes over to check how my grandmother is. something happens to my grandmother, and i rush over and try to get her to hear me. i'm trying to look at her and i'm crying, and at this point the guy realizes i'm related to her. he tells me he works at the hospital and he's keeping an eye on her, and that she has ovarian cancer. i just keep wailing nonstop, and trying to get my grandmother to look at me. my grandmother finally sees me and calls me by my chinese name.

i go and sit in the room where he was sleeping, on the couch. he comes over later and hands me something to drink, and asks if i'm okay. i think i wake up by this point, and i'm crying when i wake up.

the night before last, this is something random mike blurted in his sleep:

"there are three cookies [pokeys?] stabbin, two [something] here."

that title up there about sums up my dreams from the past few days, but first i want to document a sudden memory of an older dream that i may not have written down a while ago.. i don’t even remember how old it is. likely a couple of months old, something i dreamed during the semester and it was too hectic at the time. anyway, i think i was roaming through the boston public library.. and i was getting chased. some scenes of it were from the library from jqs, while others look nothing like the bpl. outside there was a water garden. and inside, i found a secret passage/hideout, and i had to crawl through to get to the main passage. it was dusty and crumbling stone, like old ruins. not that i’d know what old ruins are like.. but anyway, i exit the dusty passage after a while and come out into a grassy hill area that looks out to the sea. that’s the most i can remember from it, aside from a later portion where i show someone else where the passage is.

here, i can now start in on the underworld supermarket dream i had two days ago.

i don’t remember how we got there, but i remember browsing through the aisles for some specific cake we had to buy someone.. and i have no idea who it is. and by we, i mean me, davy, and my mom and dad. the supermarket is crowded, and it looks an awful lot like the local S&S. we finally manage to find the cake we wanted, and it turns out there are variations of it. oh, and this cake we wanted? they all have some variation of ariel from the little mermaid on it, and that’s how my parents wanted it. i think my mom or dad tries to lift one and the cream smeared on the plastic box. so they go to get another, but the other one’s design isn’t as good. i don’t quite remember, but i remember the way out of the supermarket is through this really narrow concrete road in the air.. and there’s a curve right down the middle that makes it a little harder. and remember, this is to get out of the underworld.. so davy goes first, and he falls off because he loses his balance, or gets scared or some such. and then i follow him, and i fall too, because i didn’t turn at the curve in time. later on, we show up in the room where my mom and dad is, and someone tells them we’re in the room with them and not to breathe, or we may never come back from the abyss the way we were before. this is where that particularly odd dream ends.

okay, moving on to the one piece epic battle.

this is a dream from yesterday, and it’s still quite hazy.. but i think i’m nami in the dream, and we’re all facing off against some really tough enemies. everyone’s wearing capes for some reason.. and they have some special ability that allows them to disappear at will. the woman i’m fighting is really strong too, and she also has the cape ability, except her head doesn’t disappear with the rest of her. or maybe that’s normal, i don’t remember. anyway, i definitely know she’s much stronger than i am, so i’m basically just talking to her and trying to avoid fighting.. and then she lets me know she twisted her ankle? i’m not even positive it’s her ankle, but i say to her that we have a doctor on our crew, and so i drag her and set off to look for.. sanji? apparently my memories are a bit jumbled in the dream, or in my dreamverse sanji is the doctor. i spot his blonde head heading out the door, and i follow him out.. to find myself in either macy’s or filene’s basement. with christmas lights and decorations. i see him heading down an escalator, and follow him out the revolving door, and he’s disappeared. so i drag the woman with me after him to try to find him, and somehow we end up in.. it’s either the north end or brookline. i don’t know. lots of shops, but the homey kind. this is where this dream ends too, i think.

now onto the most recent one, from today:

i don’t remember what precedes this, but i find myself as scully with mulder next to me, and everyone’s getting possessed by these.. bugs? beetles? i don’t even really remember what they are. throughout the course of the dream we battle our way out, and try not to be touched (or found) by these bugs.. only to find out later that they were released by the government into the population. we run into a federal agent later, who is being controlled by a bug, and we ask him why the government has done this. he responds that with a programmer in every brain, it will be utopia.. because no one else will act out of line again. and so we run from him.. and our colleague, or maybe just some guy we rescued along the way (he looked like a middle-aged black guy) falls and gets taken over. and then mulder somehow disappears too.. i think we get separated. at this point the dream is broken in half because i get up briefly to go to the bathroom.

so then, when the dream resumes, i’m no longer scully, but it’s understood in my head that i’m the same person. basically my dream changes the persona of the main character and says this person was the one you were dreaming about. okay. so i’m this middle-aged lady now.. and i go into a theater and some kids want to know if this story is true, and i confirm it with some documents i had, and i was afraid to answer their more dangerous questions out loud, so i write on my hand. later on i wipe most of this off.. and when we try to leave, some government suits bust in and demand to check everyone before they’re allowed to leave. they check this girl who was with us first.. and let her go, cuz she has nothing on her. but then they check me, and get suspicious because i have ink smudges on my hand. i play it off and act like a teenager, and roll my eyes at them, saying come on, they can’t be serious about being uptight about writing on my own hand. they let me go, but grumble about it a bit. i walk out of there indignant and rolling my eyes, but once i’m out of view i chase after the girl who left before me, and bring her to a secret pocket nearby in caves.. something like that. i told her i found the little hideout and numerous others after the last incident, and tell her to be quiet. i don’t remember what else happens, but we’re crouching and waiting for the others to come out. dream ends.

that sums up my subconscious memories from the past few days then..

the latest dream i only remember the tail-end of, but it as kind of interesting regardless. my mom was in the dream. there’s a guy in the dream, but there always is, isn’t there? i think she told me not to trust this guy, but it was the only option i had. and i picked up a book, which happens to be C.L. Wilson’s ‘Queen of Song and Souls,’ and the events happening in the dream were happening at exactly the rate i was reading the book—and the events in the book and outside the book were the same. so, in short, reading the book makes the events occurring outside the book happen. i haven’t read that book yet, btw, and i’m pretty sure the dream’s events is nothing like what the book is about.

i only remember that by the end of the dream, maybe my mind decided that this guy needed to be fae. like a fae king, or leader, or.. someone. we’re under attack from someone, i don’t know who, but he floods this old cave/tunnel system, and once the water cleared out, all the older ancient creatures came to life; these are creatures from fae legend i assume. then i don’t remember much of what happened next, and in any case, it probably didn’t make any sense. and next thing i know, i’m awake.

seeing as how scientific american currently has some sort of short blog post up about dreaming about nonsense, i figured i’d jot down my own little bit of nonsense from last night, just because i feel like acknowledging that my brain’s nonsense factory works too. here goes, even though most of the details are forgotten by now considering i woke up some rough 10 hours ago:

i was being manipulated by my uncle to do something, and i don’t remember what it is. for some reason there were palm trees in the house, and by house i mean the castle court place, not mike’s place. uncle was white for some reason, and i had blue hair, i think. or maybe he did. anyway, he doesn’t conventionally look human, but as in most dreams these details aren’t noted or even questioned. no wait, i think he had white hair. but his face was unlined, like he was still young. whatever. he was weird but good-looking, and white, and i’ll leave it at that.

so anyway, he was manipulating me into doing something for him, and it was something villainous, though i don’t remember what, again. and, obviously, in the dream he had the flavor of a villain, and i was scared of him, but my self in the dream would be uneasy around him and not know why. he would always call me a ‘good girl’ or some such, and i would cringe. something twisted there, obviously.

so anyway, davy shows up one day and sort of “saves” me, because he magically has the ability to teleport, and we teleport to a small country bordering the north. i remember i had some weird sort of ability too, but don’t remember it in light of the fact that davy’s teleporting coolness was mainly highlighted in the dream. umm.. copley square near the library shows up briefly, though i don’t remember the significance. then mostly the surroundings change to something like a fantasy setting, with the kingdoms and whatnot.. i think there was something about paying respects to the ruler of the northern country, though i’m not sure. the uncle visits the northern country and runs into us for some apparent reason—no idea what the intention was. and i remember him staring at me intently and making me uncomfortable (no rage though, but he seemed insane). he finally asks me after a silence if i want my toiletries and some things back, and i say no thanks. davy lets me know later that he’ll teleport and get it for me, if he can get in without the uncle noticing he was ever there. i remember being afraid he’ll get caught, because there was something my uncle could do to him. oh, and i think the uncle also had some strange ability to sense other people; a psychic?

and then i woke up, effectively ending the nonsense. so there’s that bit for the day.

i don’t even remember that many details from this one, but i distinctly remember being an escaped slave or experiment, and then freeing the rest of the slaves because i made a deal with a group of guys. this one guy looked big and spanish and he didn’t like me much, i remembered, and he drove a black corvette. other details i really can’t remember, except there was something about pork and beans.

so while we’re escaping i guess we all hop into his corvette and the other guys’ cars, and there’s a fast and furious-like driving scene where all these awesome cars drive onto one of those big car transporters that look like a moving car rack. so basically all these beautiful cars drive onto this time in unison on the highway. and that was the one detail i do remember.

and here’s where the dream shifts, because instead of a car transporter, instead we’re on some sort of fake dragon that could move like a real one. it’s also disguised in metal, like the car transporter. or did it shift into a dragon? i don’t know, but so we end up in the subway tunnels to avoid whoever is chasing us, and instead of making it the whole way through the tunnel, a train comes head on at us halfway through. the “dragon” falls apart, and we all fall/run into this small cave/semi-tunnel off to the side. then we all try to figure out how to assemble the dragon back together, and we collect all the metal pieces. whenever a train comes by, we would all try to duck down, stay still, and hide. there was this one period when 4 trains passed through one after the other, and we’d remembered if we might’ve been caught.

then someone who works at the train station comes down to either investigate or do maintenance, but whatever the cause he found us. me and another girl confront him, and there’s this huge epic fight scene between the three of us, because this guy is apparently an experiment too. one of the details during the scene is that he was about to stab the other girl with a sharp-ended twisted pipe, but i block him just in time. she was also lying prone on the floor at that point.

during the fight, i guess somehow i told him through bits and pieces that we were escaped, and he gapes in astonishment. in the dream, the story is that he is still a captive, and he now does rail maintenance for his masters because of his abilities, and it’s sort of a test. and did i mention all the experiments/slaves seem to have some extra powers? we’re fast and strong as hell, and even have some small bit of magical ability. so he asks us to help him put out these lamps that drip fire, and we do. then as we walk along the rail, another train comes, and when we were about to hide, he sticks his thumb out like a hitchhiker, and so when the train stops, he tells us to all pile on, and that it will be okay. the train miraculously has stair steps in the front, and so we just all sit on those steps because we had too many people. the dream ends with me waving at a boy inside the train.

this dream was brought on by ‘santa olivia’ and ‘steal the dragon,’ i think. santa olivia for the extra powers bit and odd fight scenes, and steal the dragon for the whole salvation of the slaves bit. all those extra ones are a bit strange, which i guess are pretty much the norm for my dreams now.

Dreams are often borderline wastelands,
a realm where neglect and chaos settle, so perhaps
not even the Lawmaker has much a place.
no, here, you have only your solitary kaleidoscope,
always questioning, ever bewildered,
seeking the answer to a question unknown.

oddly, it is destructive Chaos that aids you,
for under the storm, you are aware that
every step melts into a moment of the whole,
every glance conceals meaning, and
every meaning births thought, wherein you will find
these labyrinths within psychedelic truths,
craving only the venture of the brave child.
this thirst for your truth seals you to the journey
to bind and painstakingly unwind
those treasures indescribable,
within which exist endlessly more layers of
entwining mystery, hinting of such
infinite undiscovery, a flicker of Immortality.

the world then, made your drinking pool
for your fervor is such so that the
sprinkled hemlock across the surface is
of no real consequence. You know that
the poison must be taken, for the divine
hides Itself within raw pain,
unyielding, unjudgmental,
with a finality eternal.
for it is only through drowning within thirst
that you catch glimpses of Those, the most beautiful,
fleeting, fragile,
most fickle creatures who will refuse to
answer your most desperate call, or pause to
acknowledge your sacrifice and worship.

but know that you will defeat Them,
by grounding upon them a finite form,
remaking each for a note in the symphony, a
shape in the void.
oh, how wonderful it will be then,
to realize the divine in yourself
so vain, so fleeting, so fragile,
this fickle, unworthy, weak
child, whose dreamscape will have
united god and man then, in an instant, to create
Himself.

special number of the day: 2.55. it keeps coming up. the amount i'm supposed to add to harvard cases (royalty fee) is 2.55. the time when i glanced at it while doing those calcs was 2:55. i'm sure there'll be others. i'm THAT bored.

dream. i only remember the end of it though, which consisted of something like this: took a bus from the front of bls to head home, but it supposedly went in the wrong direction of ny instead (and i realize this now, but since when was bls located in ny?) so instead we went on some highway overlooking the sea splashing on some rocky shores (we ARE still talking ny, apparently, but it looked more like cali) and when we came to the public garden, which is located in BOSTON btw, i yelled for the bus driver to stop because we'd gone far enough in the opposite direction, something like that. i gave some loopy excuse for him to stop, i think it was a bathroom run, but then my very easily distracted subconscious at this point in the dream forgot i was supposed to be getting off at the public garden, and i stepped off the bus onto the pavement of a random gas station instead. the second i stepped off, however, the AL QAEDA started firing all sorts of ammunition at me, and so i ran screaming for my life. other people ran in the same direction as me, however, which is strange, because i stepped off to an empty lot. and so i run down a ramp which looks suspiciously like the one at the playground of jqs, and something must've happened that i don't remember, because next thing in the dream is some chick challenging me to a bout of martial arts. i say something like bring it on and some random dude pushes her aside and said he'll challenge instead, cuz apparently he's their leader. umm, okay. so then i proceed to kick his ass, and he admires my skills and grows to like me, or some cheesy likeness to that. so they said that they'll let me go, but instead can't let my russian friend, who escaped from the bus with me, go. i don't remember if they said they'll imprison or execute her, because she knows some "secret" martial arts called blade dancing. guess what blade dancing really is? ice skating. i swear to god that's what i dreamed. i tell them to give her a chance, and she shows us some pretty variation of a yamaguchi performance, but with a somewhat arabian touch, since she's using a hell lot of swathes of fabric to wave around and for the wind to blow around. people get entranced by the prettyness of it, and they let both of us go. i think at this point in time mike wakes me up to ask me to go register for classes. the end.

just bought the instyle imitation fragrances of thierry mulger's angel and dolce & gabbana's light blue, and it was buy one get one free at walgreens. that's got to have made my weekend, and i guess now i'm ready to settle down for some serious cramming (for tues's lit test). so far, i guess i've been doing well, but i find myself not caring anymore from time to time. maybe not taking classes in summer is a good thing; this way, i'll have time to regain/find my motivation. i just know that by this time next year i'll be feeling the same way though, and that dampens the spirit a little.

anyway, the imitation stuff was about $12 for both bottles, which was awesomex10. still have to worry about the sociology final and the presentation on thurs, but i'm feeling particularly lazy, so i am, again, looking at fragrance that i can't afford. sigh. whatev. i'll manage somehow.

notable accomplishments this week: got 100 on the psych test, only one of the class to do so. yes, i am a braggart and yes i am gloating, because davy sat next to me and copied off me, and didn't even come close. don't ask how.

also cut my own hair this week. well, it was more a bang trim, but there was enough hair on the floor to use for pillow stuffing, so i'd constitute that as cutting my own hair. the credit for that actually goes to allure magazine, cuz i would've never known to use shears instead of regular ol' scissors. yes, i am quite the genius at work here.

i'm also on a mission to dress up every school day of the week, and in the process to capture that look every day. this is where mike comes in and helps me take photos of me on specific days, namely tues and thurs. i think it'd be an interesting kind of portfolio, say, to look back and remember exactly what i wore and how i coordinated my makeup. wow that sounds awfully girly. but it makes it easier to pick out makeup flaws and maybe learn to apply it better. plus it'd be fun :)

so i guess that concludes my week, with the main big events being perfume, cutting hair, and photos. guess i am getting girlier after all. the weeks are passing like nothing when i occupy myself with nonsense like that, and hey, if it works it works.

just a random thought i had that i thought i should put down before i forgot about it completely, but why is it that people have insomnia so much nowadays? i have a mind to link it to the fast forward culture industrialization and technology has caused; after all, good sleep comes after attaining a certain sort of peace of mind, not from dropping off of utter exhaustion. i'm pretty sure people weren't as afflicted by insomnia as we are today say, about a hundred years ago. just makes me wonder if progress is a good thing after all, when people everywhere need medication to help them nod off. soon enough, maybe there will begin to be other natural things that people will become unable to do; maybe poisoning the environment isn't the only problem caused by all this "productivity"?

of course, what made me think about this was reading some article saying that there was a difference between sleeping from exhaustion and sleeping from "peace of mind," and it made me realize entirely that i slept a hell lot better when i didn't have to stress about work or school. a very simple thing to realize. but on a larger scale i think it's staggering how many people have insomnia, and i guess it means that no one really sleeps well anymore. is it possible for a species to get old?

went to goodwill today, picked up a couple of books, did a whole lot of nothing. got my last hep b shot (yay!) and for whatever reason, bled a hell lot. i think the nurse jabbed me several times, and hoped i didn't notice, because it certainly felt like it hurt more than a shot should (i kind of felt the needle movement in the middle of my arm, i'm guessing near bone area..) and her hands were shaking. it wasn't very pleasant, needless to say. but either way, i am glad that tuesday was hell now, because otherwise i wouldn't have this very nice interlude in the middle of another week, and i got to finish several books i was in the middle of, have been in the middle of, for a couple of weeks now. it's like school puts everything else i want to do on hiatus, which is totally not cool. i don't even get time to take photos anymore. but it's warming up again (man today was a nice day) and i feel that maybe i can finally do something again, wear nice clothes again, finish up all the nonsense that is bhcc and do something else. kind of glad i don't plan to take summer classes, because when else would i get to see everyone?

someone said i whine too much. sincerely hope that's not true. or maybe i've only shown my bad side when i'm at school? sheesh i'll try to be nicer from now on. then again, whiner doesn't exactly mean i'm being mean.. right?

dream. there was a scene in there of me saying to davy that the most fun in a canobe lake ride is the water ride, and i asked him if he remembered that time when(...) i don't remember what i asked him. anyway, i get lost in this hallway after getting off a specific floor, 9th i think, off an elevator, and the building is made of nothing but grey walls, no rooms or anything, like a giant maze. when i get to a fork in the road (hall?) i run into this girl who says she knows the place well, and tells me to go the other way and points to one side, and i don't remember which side now. but then i proceed to help her with her homework? and she's happy that she finally understands that math problem or whatever it was, and i write down my email address on a sheet of paper with my multiple choice answers for some other thing already on it, give it to her, and say that we should keep in touch. i don't remember what happens after that, and in fact, i'm not sure if this is even a sequential dream, or maybe it was an entirely different dream, because i did get up once in the night. anyway. the next thing i remember is trying to help this girl escape from people who are hunting her, i think some sort of ruler who is sending people out to find her? i don't remember why. we hide ourselves out in a room, which just happens to be the bigger bedroom at my house, and i grab the anime shelf and barricade the door with it, and the person who was hunting us is right outside and i think me and him are acquainted somehow. then for some reason, i help him realize that jesus was an alien, and i get this flash of jesus ascending to heaven and it was in reality him returning to where he came from, and i pass him through a slit under the door this index card that has various weird facts on it that proves it, and he realizes that jesus has a wife and kids, and something about a giant flower, his real name was something that began with an X, and that the girl i have with me is related to jesus (LOL).. so then he says he realizes that the girl is not related to the person he's working for after all, and he goes away. then something else random again, maybe another dream? i'm on a televised set and i'm part of the backstage crew, and we're all sort of amateurish, all except the people who are talking.. i guess this is sort of supposed to be a news cast? one of the lighting guys, who's on the very top, is using an actual handheld umbrella to control lighting, and he lost his grip on it and so it drops into the frame of filming while the news guy is talking, this giant black umbrella randomly falling into frame and hanging by a wire, swinging back and forth. the guy is trying to reach it but can't, so you also see his arm in the frame, trying to grab for it. finally, he jumps down from block to block (there were blocks attached to the background wall) and you see this guy completely in frame, and the newscaster is still talking like nothing is out of the ordinary. i think we were giving a message to the king who was hunting the girl, or we were some sort of faction with a purpose. but afterward, i was in a break room/bar, and i was laughing about it with the dude who jumped down, and the newscaster dude comes in and asks for a password for using the wifi. i think that's where my dream ends.

as usual, just a series of the most random events ever. if they can even be called events, that is. i wonder what it is that made me dream of that crap.

oh yeah. might as well mention that i woke up feeling like my left eye got decked. looked in the mirror, didn't see any bruises, but the feeling is all around my left eyeball/eyelid area, and whenever i rub it i feel the bruise. very strange, and mike suggested it could just be that i need to wash my eyes out. umm, the sensation when there is something INSIDE your eyes, and the sensation of having a bruise on the flesh around your eyes is quite different, no? anyway. i also had some weird dream of endorsing a politician or someone of power who i don't exactly like (hah, guess where i got THAT from?)

also recently put on hold at the library a copy of the novelization of v for vendetta. i figure if i read the novel before i read the comic, then i can't possibly have many complaints, because all the reviewers on amazon are saying that the movie and novel are inferior. well then if i save the best for last, no way i can form first impressions with the best, right? that way i'll go easy on the novel, and since i've already watched the movie and loved it, there's no problem there.

also got a copy of i am legend from the library, but i can't touch it yet. god damn schoolwork and everything that goes with it. i finished with my soc midterm (take-home, heh) around 5, and i started at midnight. that means that that thing wasted 5 hours of my time, when i still had truckloads of psych and american lit waiting for me. also of note is that tuesday is going to be bhcc's neatly arranged personal HELL for me, because it will be a 10 hour day, no break whatsoever. it will also go something like this:

1st class: soc - hand in midterm, sit through an hour and 15 min of his nonsense;
3 hours of tutoring, 2 sessions. try not to tear hair out in the meantime;
2nd class: psy - TEST. thank god it's multiple choice;
3rd class: amer. lit. - TEST, consisting of several essays and a shitload of open-ended. i will not survive past this, but in case i do--
MORE TUTORING. and then locking up, a tedious as hell process because i am the last one alive in that building.

proceeded by probably about 18 hours of sleep, i might even actually wake up again. and of course, provided that i take a lot of caffeine throughout that day, since i'm not really allowed the time for any food whatsoever. so i'd wake up around 7, shower and dress, makeup, head out at 9:30, get there at 10, start that hectic sched, get out at 7, get back by 7:30-8, and proceed to die properly. ugh. i cannot stress enough how much i will hate this upcoming tuesday.

BUT.

the following thursday i will have no class :) a slice of hell for a little break, would that be a fair trade? i guess i'll decide then.

sadly, it's success. i don't think i've ever succeeded in anything in my life, and the only thing that drives me is competition or some form of coveting done on my part. i need to feel like there is something i want, instead of this passiveness bordering on madness and boredom. i don't think i've ever felt very alive this way, and maybe the key to it is self-worth, and the shortest road to self-worth might be minor accomplishments? again. success is my biggest envied quality in any of my friends.

is this envy theme something to do with st. pat's? because i just scrolled down and saw the phrase "green with envy" and immediately remembered it was st. pat's just a couple of days ago. god i'm tired. back to work.

emptiness thrives in a space.

how many days till june
how many winters till release
and so i sit, and sit..
and.. wait.

i don't follow the road
but maybe better things will come
maybe they will find me
or maybe i can find them?
oh eternal stasis, surely
there could never have been
lonelier fields.

moonlight.
such lonesome night.

to covet the light the savior.
to want, to dream, to need,
to be reduced to crawling with shadows, those
fleeting children at the seam of all truth.
oh the incessant cold, desperate to be let in,
frosting over the edges, there--
an incomplete visage turns blurrier,
wind slips through these fingers;
all of us forsaken creatures.

there is no change to be met.
i'd best go now, and hurry on through this storm
before the moonlight catches me
on these bloody barren lands
need to go now, before i decide that
a silly thing like love, will
redeem this solitary monster.
for once i hear his keening, i will know that
all will have been
lost.

i'm full of anxious, frustrated thoughts. that seems to be my norm lately. after thinking it over some, i concede that she might have been just disagreeing with me because it sounded like i was attacking mark twain and making him out to be racist. and i also note that people were agreeing with her just because they wanted to suck up, which just makes me bitter instead of angry. it's one thing to disagree with me because they genuinely thought so, and another altogether because they wanted to impress the substitute teacher. those who might've agreed with me apparently didn't speak up, or spoke for her just so they could get some extra credit points in. well, they can all go to hell.

mike's dad took in the mail today and complained that it's "more books again." which made me think that we would really need a new place, because they're getting fucking sick of me. my books habit does NOT endear. just yday when i came home from that whole ordeal in school his brother says "these are ALL books??" and it just made me rile up a bit, since i was already in a bad mood. this just won't do.

this is the self-pitying journal entry in which i feel angry because the substitute professor kept brushing off my comments and listening to other people's. i felt pissed. this other girl named abbie barely even speaks english and was even making the same point as me, only with less examples to back herself up with--she even listened to HER when she spoke, just not me. and yet i can't tell if it was personal, because she was civil to me, and seemed to take the time to listen to me speak before responding; but then how would she disagree with me and agree with the other girl when we're both making the same points? it also doesn't help that the entire class basically disagreed with me, and it wasn't even like my opinion was of the minor in this case. the topic was mark twain's 'puddnhead wilson' and whether it has racial barbs in the context, sort of a subtle type of thing. even sparknotes had a question for their study guide asking whether the racial barbs in the work was aimed to either be sympathetic with that side too, or intentionally used to rouse the audience it was aiming for. but the WHOLE CLASS (cept for the girl who barely speaks english) just completely DENIED that there was any racial barbs to be found in the story at all, when it just so happens that all the anyone who does anything bad in the story just happen to be partially black, when this partially black villain was described as not being able to help himself because he was by nature "vicious", and at one point, even so far as to have the mother of this villain exclaim that he's only a bad person because it's the "black part of his blood" that's showing itself. when jill's gone it's like the new cool thing to disagree with kit, that everything kit says should be stomped on and destroyed, that my opinions are now suddenly inferior when they were hugely complimented before.

now then, why are all the whites described all pure and white and never sinned in their lives? why wasn't that fact enough to convince anyone that there is some hint at racism in there? but no, people just like shooting me down, is what i figure. it was just totally unfair. i had the greatest points ever and no one would listen to what i was saying. why weren't there any white villains? white people can lie and steal too. white people can be murderous too. how is this suddenly irrelevant?

i was also secretly at least partially sympathetic to the circumstances that made the villain the way he was. you can't be a bad person and not be a victim of circumstance. mark twain was somewhat proving this point by showing how the circumstances shape him, but at the same time, he is being purposely racist in his narration to rouse his audience. but no one listens.

EDIT: i was so frustrated about this that i came home and cried. i cried to mike, cried to myself, this just hit me pretty deep. maybe i'm overly sensitive and maybe i'm overreacting, but being humiliated in front of the entire class when i was so obviously right is completely unfair. and there's nothing i hate more than an unfair situation in which i'm stuck, and where i am completely helpless to do anything about it.

replace the 'u' in revenue with a 'g' and you get revenge. hmm.

amusement park with a lot of my classmates, but mostly with the two carls, who made me carry luggage and learn safety tips. for an amusement park??